Here’s a story of three men : Patrick, Samuel and Simon.

Patrick is a responsible husband and father. Before wedding Jackie two years back, he was a typical 25-year-old-guy who spent the most part of his time chasing girls and career.

But all this has since changed. Patrick no longer hangs out a lot with the boys on weekends; he instead stays at home playing with his son. He has even asked for a break from work, to spend a little more time with his wife who has just recovered from an ailment. Patrick has matured.

In contrast, Samuel has failed to make that transition. He still acts single despite being married to Christine since 2006. The couple has three children but Samuel spends days without seeing them. He goes and leaves their home as he pleases.

He abandons his wife in bed on cold nights to either go bar-hopping with friends or catch the latest action movie at Cineplex. As a dedicated accountant, Samuel often brings home loads of books to audit overnight, forbidding Christine from interrupting his concentration.

When she complains, he plays victim and threatens to leave home, never to return.

Simon is just like Samuel. “I don’t understand my wife,” he says.

“I bought her a car and she has never gone a day without a meal. I put our kids in good schools and I pay all our bills in time. I don’t know what I am doing wrong,” Simon adds.

His wife, Stella, insists her husband is never around to talk to his children, let alone make love to her; he spends most of his time with friends and on business trips. It’s much more than just providing financial support, she says. Samuel and Simon are suffering from the ‘married-bachelor syndrome’.

Today, the syndrome is on the rise as The Observer investigates. Although some married women have showed symptoms of acting single, men are the primary culprits.

Who are married bachelors?

It is every woman’s dream to have a mature-thinking husband who fulfils his marital and parental responsibilities. Some men however, never grow up. They continue to live life as singles even after marriage. To such men, career, friends and self-satisfaction are much better than their wives. They find marriage a distraction.

And there are common symptoms that married-bachelors exhibit. First, they are known to portray the ‘good guy’ image in public, like Samuel. No wonder, Christine’s family and friends cannot understand why she is considering getting a divorce. They hold Samuel in high esteem because he is generous to other people. Yet he rarely spends a penny on his wife.

Married-bachelors also tend to live in a virtual world of fantasies. They will not hesitate to assure their wives of how they will soon get super rich without necessarily explaining how such a miracle is possible. He will blow his salary in a day without contemplating, for a second, how his family will make it through the month.

They are also dependant. A married bachelor expects his wife to ‘mother’ him just like his mother did. The wife has to massage his ego, build him up and accept him unconditionally no matter how immature he is. When Simon falls sick, Stella has to stay by his bedside round the clock, but he never reciprocates.

Besides being irresponsible and impatient with their wives, married-bachelors are also escapists. Instead of finding tangible solutions to their problems, they run off into addictions such as alcohol, drugs and pornography.

Causes

Why would a married man behave like a bachelor?

Christine blames her mother-in-law. “She over pampered him instead of teaching him how to be a real man."

“Whenever we argue, he rushes to his mum who will advises him to focus more on his life and career rather than me. He is a mummy’s boy,” she says.

Stella blames it on her husband’s ego and aloofness.

“He thinks money can get him anything. That’s why he never listens to anyone. He’s only content because he has money to spend on us,” she says.

And psychologists blame it on early marriages. Margaret Lubowa Nalyaali, the executive director of Hidden Treasure Uganda, a counselling and psychology firm, says men who are 30 and below are likely to become married bachelors.

“At this age, men are still susceptible to peer pressure unlike women,” she explains. “It is therefore very necessary that young couples keep receiving regular counselling to counter the possibility.”

And if the man is above 50, Nalyaali says there’s little that can be done.  At this point, she advises, the wife is left with two choices - divorce or continue wallowing in misery.

“It is called midlife crisis and it is very unfortunate. Such men missed their development stages and are therefore trying to make up for lost time. It is hard for such men to change,” Nalyaali says.

Religious leaders however blame it on today’s career-cautious wives, who instead of enticing their men spend days on business trips and work errands. Rev. Davis Kicoonco of the Bugolobi Church of Uganda attributes the women’s attitude to the change in social trends.

“Men naturally want attention but today’s emancipated women do not pay attention to such silly rights, hence forcing men to run around for comfort,” Kicoonco, who has since written a book about counselling married couples, notes.

“Women report to me these cases on a daily basis but in most times, they are actually the culprits. You do not expect a man to be there for you when you do not cater to him,” he adds.

Sherry, married to a bachelor, says that her mother advised her to get a life of her own because she was clinging onto her husband. She took her advice and also started hanging out with her friends like he did. Before long, he noticed that she too was coming home late and started returning home earlier.

Sherry says they have since worked out their differences and her married-bachelor is now a husband. Other experts however attribute the growth in this trend to culture. And perhaps this version holds more water in the Ugandan setting just like in most other African societies.

Traditionally, women were seen as mere sex objects to be kept at home while the man wandered around. Macho men were those who did what they wanted, when they wanted. Sadly, this tradition is still prevalent in some families. Once you have his ring, he has total control over you.

You are forbidden from questioning his behaviour. He’s the man and is allowed to do whatever he wishes.

Effects

The rise in the married-bachelor phenomenon has been cited as a lead contributor to the rampant family break-ups. But even before divorce takes effect, women who are married to bachelors are known to experience untold psychological torture, sometimes leading to suicides.

Instead of having a partner and a friend, she has an adversary. Feeling resentful, betrayed and lonely, she begins to display signs of aggression, anxiety and shame. And since married-bachelors are usually ‘Good Guys’, women fear to leave them hence opting to stay in miserable marriages.

Solutions

Kicoonco cautions that involving third parties can only make matters worse. He advises that only the couple can best solve their problems. He prescribes church and other religious institution as the best moderators. But experts say the best solution lies in the wife’s strengths.

For example, the ability for a woman not to mind her husband’s irresponsible character can eventually make him feel ashamed of his deeds. Women in such relationships are also advised not to play the ‘repay back’ game. Instead, they should find solace in their children and other activities that excite them. Then maybe, the bachelor might eventually feel lonely and grow up.